YouTube Grab Bag: Spock Sings!

It occurred to me last night that when I made my list of the worst celebrity music video crossovers earlier this summer, I made one glaring omission. Sometime back in the 60’s, perhaps as a result of eating some spoiled food or something, Leonard Nimoy recorded the song “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” and even made a video for it, joining his good friend Captain Kirk in the exclusive fraternity of bad actors singing terribly. The video speaks for itself — pure nightmare fuel all around. Now all I need is Dr. McCoy doing a cover of “Comfortably Numb” and my life will be complete.

YouTube Grab Bag: Video Game Badassery

Several moments in the history of me stand out as being especially important and formative: that time that I shit my pants during music class in 2nd grade, the first time I blacked out from drinking, the day that I won the ball kick in my elementary school’s olympics, and, of course, the Christmas where I received my very own Nintendo Entertainment System.

These days, video games are so commonplace and entrenched in popular culture that we take them for granted, but back in the day, the NES and its 8 bits of raw power were king. Games such as Contra, Super Mario Brothers, and Tecmo Bowl were a staple of nearly every childhood and a topic of many playground conversations. Instead of sparking debated about video game violence and its effect on the moral fiber of society, we instead debated which weapons worked best on which Mega Man villains and the awesome power of “up up down down left right left right B A start”. The Official Nintendo Player’s Guide was the bible to the religion of the NES, with detailed maps, tips, and codes to guide the most intrepid of video game adventurers.

 

It wasn’t long before gaming royalty emerged, the true power players. Everyone had friends that fell into this category — kids that could beat Ganon in under 2 hours or rescue princess toadstool without dying. In my junior high there was a kid named Dana that videotaped himself finishing dozens of different games. The resulting bootleg tape was more coveted and sought after than porn. The kid was a visionary. As recently as college, my roommates and I would gather on slow Friday nights to get drunk and watch our buddy Ben plow through Zelda and Contra with reckless abandon.

Now, with the advent of YouTube, it’s possible to relive that glory again and again. And so, as a tribute to a simpler time and the gaming wizards it spawned, I present this week’s YouTube Grab Bag: Video Game Badassery.

(Note: most of these videos are made using emulators and other “cheats” which, although less impressive, ultimately makes them all the more entertaining)

1) Contra

It’s appropriate that the list should start with Contra, one of the greatest action games ever. It was like a cross between Rambo and Alien with lots of lasers and front flips thrown in for good measure. Also notable for being accessible to the most hamfisted of pre-adolescents thanks to the previously mentioned “up up down down” code.

Here’s a video of a guy beating the living piss out of the game in a little under 10 minutes without dying once. I bet he got laid all the time back in sixth grade.

If you liked that one, check out the followup “pacifist version” where a dude accomplishes the same feat with a minimal loss of life. Dirty hippy.

2) Teanage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Jeezus. These guys really kicked some shell back in the day. I would love to meet the guy that came up with the concept of the Ninja Turtles. “They’re these giant mutated turtles, see? And they can do all sorts of badass ninja stuff. Also, they hang out with a giant rat and talk like lobotomized surfers.” Sold!

Such an earthshattering concept deserves a badass game and TMNT is no exception. I sucked something fierce at this game. I could never get past the part where you had to disarm all of the bombs at the dam. It’s especially humbling then to see this dude defuse the dam and every one of Shredder’s diabolical plots without breaking a sweat.

3) Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out

Another classic from the simpler days before Mike Tyson was a pigeon-loving rapist that bit ears and threatened to eat children. <sigh>

I spent hours trying to counter such dangerous threats as the bull charge, the super spin punch, and Mike’s thunderous knockout punches. In fact, it wasn’t until my senior year in college during Christmas break that I finally knocked the champ out. Something tells me this dude didn’t have to wait until he was a sorry 22-year-old to enjoy such glory. Watch as he mows through King Hippo and pals in under 20 minutes.

4) E.T.

This one isn’t an NES game, but is notable for being arguably the worst video game of all time. Watch as a timeless, beloved children’s movie is turned into an incomprehensible mess of shapeless blobs and pointless action. Legend has it that the game was such a disaster that Atari ultimately took countless unsold cartridges and buried them in the desert. Anyway, watch as some intrepid soul manages to finish the game before his eyes start bleeding.

5) Tecmo Super Bowl

Before there was Madden, there was Tecmo Super Bowl — as good an example as there ever was of how to turn 8 bits of computing power into great football. As anyone who played Tecmo Super Bowl can tell you, the star of the game was a certain Vincent Edward “Bo” Jackson. Now Bo is one of the most famous athletes of all time, having accomplished the rare feat of winning the heisman trophy in football, being an all-star in baseball, and being a freak of nature in general, but it’s possible that his greatest feats were those accomplished on the Tecmo gridiron, effortlessly running over and through opposing defenses. A terrific example of his digital prowess can be found below, as Bo runs roughshod over the Patriots for an entire quarter before prancing untouched into the endzone.

6) Metroid

I vividly remember getting this game for my 10th birthday — yet another classic game that I totally sucked at. Ridley and Kraid just owned me, hands down. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy it, hacking my around desperately longing for the screw attack and wave beam. I can honestly say, though, that I never came close to beating this one, which is why I find this next video very entertaining. Watch as this dude slices through planet Zebes like a buzzsaw through butter.

7) Altered Beast

Not an NES game, but truly memorable for a number of reasons. First, it was the first game for the 16-bit Genesis. Second, it employed some sort of technology from the future to put actual voices in the game – a rarity for time. Third, the dude saying “Rise from your grave” is one of the funniest things ever. He sounds like he has a harelip and bell’s palsy. I wonder if it’s the same guy from the beginning of Double Dribble.

Anyway, here’s a video of a dude finishing it in a little over six minutes. Unlike the other videos here, however, this one looks frighteningly easy. Also perhaps the only game from the 80’s that involved the hero morphing into a nasty version of the Snuggles bear.

Super Mario Bros.

For a lot of people, this was the first video game that they ever played. In retrospect, it’s kind of a weird premise: two stereotypical Italian plumbers eat a bunch of mushrooms and save some random princess from an evil giant turtle, stomping upon countless “goombas”, turtles, and anthropomorphic bullets along the way. Far out brother.

Here’s a video of a guy kicking the crap out of Bowser and pissing on his lifeless body (more or less) in just under 5 minutes:

Impressive, yes, but if you’re a purist that considers warp zones to be the devil’s trickery, then you may appreciate this run with no warps or shortcuts:

9) Super Street Fighter 2

I always found this game much more fun to watch than to actually play. Also, I was terrible at it. I’d usually resort to mashing the buttons as fast as I could before pouting and saying that I wanted to play something else.

Here’s a pretty good video of a dude conquering the planet earth with Zangief – the giant Russian dude with rad chest hair and dozens of scars from wrestling bears. He’s like the love child of Mr. T and Ivan Drago. It always makes me a little uncomfortable, though, when he beats the living hell out of Chun Li — especially when he tucks her head in his crotch and snaps her cute little spine with a suplex. Dirty commie.

10) The Legend of Zelda

Finally, the Coup de Grace – The Legend of Zelda. I definitely remember getting this game for my birthday and being blown away. First, the cartridge was gold. Pure (plastic) gold! Definitely the most complex, involved game of its time – lots to explore, lots of puzzles to solve, and lots of weapons.

This is another game that gave me a lot of trouble as a kid – probably because I hardly had the attention span to make it through an episode of Saved By the Bell, let alone a game as long and difficult as this. Still, I finally buckled down and defeated Ganon during my senior year of college – roughly 12 years after I got the game.

Apparently it took this next guy slightly less time than 12 years to finish the game. For me, this is the most impressive video — becuase it relies not on precise timing or clever tricks, but on flawless planning and execution. What results is 26 minutes of perfection. Ironically, nearly the same could be said about an episode of Saved By the Bell. Huh.

YouTube Grab Bag: Celebrity Music Video Crossovers

It’s been a busy week here at STB, and we’ll wrap it up by kicking off a new feature: the YouTube Grab Bag. Today’s grab bag features one of the most interesting and repulsive trends in the music industry that reached its zenith in the late 80’s. I speak of course of vain movie stars crossing over and trying their luck as musicians. As luck would have it, many such examples exist for our admiration on YouTube. So without further ado I present…

 

The Top 11 Worst Celebrity Music Video Crossovers

(In pseudo-chronological order)

1. William Shatner

It would be impossible to talk about vain singing celebrities without mentioning Captain Kirk. In fact, bad celebrity music videos likely wouldn’t exist at all without the trailblazing work of the Shatman. Shatner began with an album of covers like “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” and “Mr. Tambourine Man” and never looked back. He really hit his stride in the mid-70’s, perfecting his own special, hilarious style of reciting lyrics against the backdrop of the actual melody, typically with a string of ridiculous facial gestures to really drive the point home. Observe this early appearance on The Dinah Shore Show:

William Shatner – “It Was a Very Good Year”

An inspired effort to be sure, but it wasn’t until the 1977 Sci Fi Awards that the Shatman really achieved musical immortality. It was there that he performed a version of Elton John’s “Rocket Man” that shook the very foundations of reality and no doubt reaved the souls of all in attendance. Words really fail to describe just how mindblowing this really is:

William Shatner – “Rocket Man”

 

 

2. Leonard Nimoy

Apparently hanging out with the Shatman on the deck of the starship Enterprise went a long way towards inflating Mr. Spock’s ego.  What you are about to see is one of the most baffling performances ever filmed.  The eyes truly don’t know where to fall.  The inexplicable “Leonard Nimoy for UN” buttons?  The go-go girls dancing like a fire sale at the retard store?  Spock’s use of a roll of masking tape for a visual aid as he sings about Bilbo’s magic ring?  The end result is something that you’ll wish you could “unsee”

Leonard Nimoy – “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”

3. Telly Savalas

Of course, the Shatman wasn’t the only actor making an ass of himself with a microphone in the mid-seventies. It wasn’t long before everyone’s favorite hard-drinking, gambling, bald Greek uncle threw his hat in the ring. Telly Savalas is all man, and I’ll fight anyone that disagrees with my bare knuckles, but clearly the stage was not for him. Check out his appearance on the German show MusikLaden:

Telly Savalas – “Some Broken Hearts Never Mend”

 

 

4. Don Johnson

After Shat and Telly’s work in the mid-seventies, it was awhile before another celebrity cocky enough to punish the eardrums of the American public came along. Not long after Miami Vice catapulted his career to its absolute apex, Don Johnson hit the recording studio, squatted, and squeezed out the steaming pile of mediocrity called “Heartbeat”:

Don Johnson – “Heartbeat”

Amazingly, “Heartbeat” spent some time on the billboard charts, likely thanks to Don’s inspired wardrobe and musky charisma. Due to his ill-deserved success, it wasn’t long before Crockett returned to the airwaves, this time slaying the ladies with a heartfelt ballad:

Don Johnson – “Tell It Like It Is”

 

 

5. Bruce Willis

Of course, Detective Sonny Crockett wasn’t the only velvet-throated action star running around in the late 80’s. Soon after the success of his show “Moonlighting”, Bruce Willis gave birth to Bruno — his gravelly-voiced, harp-blowing alterego. Amazingly, some took notice including Motown legends, The Temptations. Nice tux, Bruno:

Bruce Willis – “Under the Boardwalk”

Somewhere, an ad executive was listening and came to a startling conclusion: “Let’s get this Bruno guy on the horn and see if he can’t move some wine coolers!” You’re fired jackass. Not a true music video, I know, but still a brain-tickling relic from a much simpler time:

Bruce Willis – “Seagram’s Golden Wine Coolers”

 

 

6. Eddie Murphy

Thanks to the magic of Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories everyone knows about the long friendship between Eddie Murphy and Superfreak Rick James. Few people, however, realize that the two collaborated on a grating 80’s dance number. The video for it does not disappoint, as it depicts the studio session that ostensibly led to the song’s creation. Watch in awe as Eddie pours his heart into the mike, Rick feels a hit coming, and magic is made. So. Much. Bad. Hair.

Eddie Murphy ft. Rick James – “Party All the Time”

Just when you thought music couldn’t get any worse, Eddie returned to the studio and came up with what many consider to be the absolute nadir of the celebrity music video trend – literally one of the worst songs ever made. This time he took everyone’s favorite NAMBLA member Michael Jackson along for the vomit-inducing ride:

Eddie Murphy ft. Michael Jackson – “Whatzupwitu”

 

 

7. Alyssa Milano

Coming in at number six, we have the one female contribution to the list. Sometime in the late 80’s, this hot little snapper took a break from kickin’ it with Tony Micelli to hit the recording studio. What resulted was something that sounded like Debbie Gibson on barbiturates. Fortunately she searched the world high and low for some of the most ugly clothing available to distract the casual music video viewer from her voice.

Alyssa Milano – “Look In My Heart”

 

Apparently teal clothing, bad music, and power suits with shoulder pads were all the rage on MTV in those days, because Alyssa came back for more. Nice hat!

Alyssa Milano – “What a Feeling”

8. Patrick Swayze

Many people remember Patrick Swayze for his rugged good looks, his lustrous locks, his enormous head, and his ability to breathe life into a diverse mix of characters ranging from civil war hero Orry Main to philosophical bouncer James Dalton to thrill-seeking robber Bodhisattva. Most, however, overlook Patrick Swayze the crooner, the sweet-singing slayer of babes. In 1987, in conjunction with the release of Dirty Dancing, the Swayze-dog assembled a crack team of producers and technicians and cut the movie’s main ballad. The song and his huge noggin took the nation by storm, serving as the first dance at countless weddings and junior high dances. And then, like a rancid fart in the wind, the Swayze-dog and his dulcet tones were gone.

Patrick Swayze – “She’s Like the Wind”

 

9. John Stamos

Not content to let Patrick Swayze be the only guy with bad hair and a huge head to record a hit, pretty boy John Stamos took a break from changing the Olsen twins’ diapers and badgering Kimmy Gibler to try his luck at the rock star thing. Now, I understand that his character on Full House was supposed to be a rocker or something, but that’s no reason for him to think that he could be too. Of course, I suppose anything can happen when you spend every one of your working days with douchebags like Dave Coulier and Bob Saget. Anyway, Uncle Jesse teamed up with the Beach Boys, but not even they could keep his ballad “Forever” from being pure nightmare fuel.

John Stamos ft. the Beach Boys – “Forever”

 

 

10. Steven Seagal

I guess that if you can convince yourself that you’re the reincarnation of a long dead Buddhist monk, anything is possible. That’s why it’s really not surprising at all to see once-proud spine-puncher Steven Seagal on this list. I had no idea, but apparently Casey Rybeck is an accomplished musician and has released several albums as “Steven Seagal & Thunderbox” with such mystical names as “Mojo Priest” and “Songs from the Crystal Cave.” Hey! Look at me! I’m enlightened!

Steven Seagal – “Girl it’s Alright”

 

11. David Hasselhoff

Finally, no list of celebrity singers would be complete without the man, the myth, the legend… the Hoff. Never has one person done so much for stupid e-mail forwards and ironic fan sites. Having burst onto the scene fighting for the cause of the innocent, the helpless, and the powerless as amnesiac hero Michael Knight, David Hasselhoff somehow became bigger than lederhosen in Germany, recording a series of hit albums. For anyone who’s spent any time on the internet, this next video should look familiar, but it still remains a classic.

David Hasselhoff – “Hooked on a Feeling”

It’s true, no one carries a tune quite like the Hoff. That hair. Those moves. That icey stare. Thankfully, this wouldn’t be the last we saw of the Hoff, as a new video surfaced just this past week of him doing another tired, poorly choreographed cover.

David Hasselhoff – “Secret Agent Man”