Webwalking: A Brain Tickling Bowling Showdown

Came across an incredible trailer online today for a fictitious movie pitting two of the greatest characters in cinema history against each other. Alien vs. Predator? Nope. Try McCracken vs. Jesus.

Obviously a movie that would never see the light of day, but still fun to ponder. It got me thinking about the characters themselves and how they’re arguably the funniest, most distinct characters that John Turturro and Bill Murray each have come up with in their careers. I guess there must be something about bowling that fuels the creation of memorable caricatures. Everyone remembers Lebowski and “the Jesus”, but I think that Kingpin and “Big Ern” are often overlooked.

Such a great montage.  Great song too.  It’s “Showdown” by the inimitable ELO, captured below in one of the most overstimulating videos that I’ve ever encountered on the web.   They say that fashion is cyclical and what today is old, will someday be new again.  When that day comes, I vow to be the first guy rocking the facial hair and fro of this guy.

Haim and Feldman to Reunite!

Yes, you read that right. In some of the best news that I’ve heard in awhile, Variety Magazine reported last week that the two former child actors turned drug addicts turned total disasters have inked a development deal to star in a “hybrid improv comedy” centering on “fictional versions of themselves.” I don’t exactly know what that means, but obviously I’m excited.

“The Coreys” picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim — single and the total opposite of Feldman — as he shakes life up for the Feldmans.

Honestly, this may be the least far-fetched premise that I can imagine. Corey Haim? Washed up and in need of a place to crash? How fictional and unbelievable! I can scarcely imagine the type of side-splitting “improv comedy” that could ensue. But I’ll try:

Episode 1:

Feldman and Haim go to the mall for an impromptu autograph signing session. No one at the mall cares or even knows who they are. Feldman cries. Both leave to score some coke and hookers instead. Feldman later finds Haim sitting up alone, watching Blown Away and weeping openly. The End.

Episode 2:

Feldman takes Haim out on the town to pick up chicks for him. Both do blowjob shots with one Cougar after the next. Haim finally lands a hot 45-year-old soccer mom in a jogging suit. As they are about to leave and find a hotel, Scott Baio appears out of nowhere and steals the MILF from Haim. Feldman cries and tries to console Haim by buying him a hooker and some coke, later finds him sitting up alone, watching Blown Away and weeping openly. The End.

Episode 3:

Haim scores a date with Heather Graham, but doesn’t have a car — or a license! Haim swipes his grandpa’s Mercedes and takes her out on the town. Rollergirl gets drunk and passes out, at which point Feldman joins the fun and hijinks ensue as the car sustains damage in one hilarious mishap after the next! Fox sues for copyright infringement. Feldman cries. Haim tries to console him by buying him a hooker and some coke. Haim later seen sitting up alone, watching Blown Away and weeping openly. The end.

And on and on…

Keep an eye on this one folks. It could change our lives.

Steven Seagal is a Fat, Fleshy Man

It came to my attention today that Steven Seagal has just been tapped to reprise the role of the pony-tailed, clad in black, throat-punching cook Casey Ryback in a third installment of the popular Under Seige series. The film is, cleverly enough, titled Under Seige 3: Plane Danger and no doubt promises to be as enjoyable as a sock full of feces. According to IMDB, in the movie Casey Ryback is sent on a mission to take out muslim terrorists who have taken over a flight from Israel to USA. Sounds original — and not the least bit potentially offensive.

Don't get me wrong — there was a time not so long ago when I would have been fired up to see a new Seagal flick. Here's a guy that was the epitome of ass-kicking cool a little over a decade ago, able to deliver menacing lines in whisper like "Nobody beats me in the kitchen" and make it sound badass. He would dispatch entire batallions of baddies without breaking a sweat or his trademark cold stare, employing unusual weapons with startling effectiveness (a pool ball in a tube sock!). And when he wasn't kicking villains in the spine, he was creating some of the most unintentionally hysterical movie titles and character names in history. Observe:

Hard to Kill (1990) …. Mason Storm

Out for Justice (1991) …. Gino Felino

Half Past Dead (2002) …. Sasha Petrosevitch

Out for a Kill (2003) …. Professor Burns

Black Dawn (2005) …. Jonathan Cold

The Untitled Onion Movie (2006) …. Cock Puncher (No joke)

Somewhere in the late 90's, however, Mr. Seagal quietly passed out of relevance and into the realm of ridicule. He went from headlining box office blockbusters to supporting characters in straight to video steamers. Have you ever seen "Mercenary For Justice"? Didn't think so.

How caused this to happen? Was it his character's sudden, unexpected death in 1996's "Executive Decision"? His 1997 recognition as the reincarnation of the Treasure Revealer Chungdrag Dorje of the Palyul Monastery? The electrified urine-like taste of his energy drink? His descent into the innermost circle of celebrity music video hell, joining the likes of Don Johnson, Eddie Murphy, and Bruce Willis? The heavy use of makeup and trick photography to make him look young and not fat in a stupid Sprite ad? Or perhaps the fact that he put on roughly 200 pounds on a diet consisting solely of puppies and homeless people?

I honestly have no idea. I do know that I won't be first in line for "Plane Danger". I'll wait until he stars as Thick Slamchest in "Mocked for Justice". And wait until it's out on basic cable. Eat shit Chungdrag!

The Least Cool Thing You’ll See Today

I was six years old when The Neverending Story came out. I thought it was a pretty rad movie, but always thought that the theme song was pretty weird and lame. Keep in mind, this was a time when I was really into things like Smurfs, swingsets, picking my nose, and pajamas with feet, but even then I was well aware of how incredibly uncool the song was.

Anyway, yesterday I discovered that there was a video for the song. It’s pretty much exactly how I would imagine it to be — the perfect visual companion to one of the most uncool songs of all-time. Was I surprised to see it sung by an effeminate, European dude with Flock of Seagulls hair and a patchy five o’clock shadow? A man that one viewer remarked “makes Elton John look like John Wayne”? Not at all. In fact, I expected it — was relieved to see it even.

A little research reveals that the dude is the great Limahl, former member of the group Kajagoogoo. Apparently, after his “rancorous exit” from the group in 1983, he struck out on his own, recording a series of commercial flops before “striking gold” with the theme song to The Neverending Story. It’s an inspiring story, and is perhaps best captured in the words of Limahl himself (from his website):

‘The Neverending Story’ is a fairly highly pitched song to sing so it took me quite a few attempts to warm up and really lock into the vibe……we had a break for food at about 6pm then after some wine started to record again and that’s when I really nailed it…….it must have been the red wine, hey hey. I flew home the next morning with a rough mix which I immediately took to my manager’s office (Billy Gaff). On hearing it he was ecstatic and started jumping around, “this is a f***in hit” he was yelling whilst running round the office, I was laughing my head off……deep down it was also a huge a relief to me that he liked it so much after all of his hard work behind the scenes setting it up.

Way to go big guy. Also not surprisingly, he’s big in Germany and still tours there. Maybe he opens for Hasselhoff.

Robot Chicken

Here's the YouTube find of the day. I've never heard of Robot Chicken, but I'll be adding it to my Tivo Wishlist asap.

Here's a claymation skit of Darth Vader breaking the news about the Death Star to the Emperor:

And a spectacular revisiting of the people and places of "Neverending Story". "We… are… so… wasted".