Check This Out: Tecmo Super Bowl 06-07

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. My mind has just been blown.

It seems that the internet, computer geekery, and old school NES nostalgia have just collided with spectacular results (again). It is now possible to download a custom version of Tecmo Super Bowl with the current NFL teams and rosters. The implications of this are so profound, I think my head is going to explode.

Okay, maybe I’m getting carried away, but one thing that I do know is that I’m one step closer to hosting my high concept Super Bowl party where the pre-game entertainment includes watching Tecmo Super Bowl simulate the upcoming matchup. Or at the very least playing TSB with my beloved Bears without having to use Mike Tomczak as my QB. Outstanding.

<>Gotta run for now — am playing this weekend’s Bears/Vikings matchup. The Beloved are up by 7 in the 1st, but Rex just tossed an INT. This is so fucking rad.

YouTube Grab Bag: Video Game Badassery

Several moments in the history of me stand out as being especially important and formative: that time that I shit my pants during music class in 2nd grade, the first time I blacked out from drinking, the day that I won the ball kick in my elementary school’s olympics, and, of course, the Christmas where I received my very own Nintendo Entertainment System.

These days, video games are so commonplace and entrenched in popular culture that we take them for granted, but back in the day, the NES and its 8 bits of raw power were king. Games such as Contra, Super Mario Brothers, and Tecmo Bowl were a staple of nearly every childhood and a topic of many playground conversations. Instead of sparking debated about video game violence and its effect on the moral fiber of society, we instead debated which weapons worked best on which Mega Man villains and the awesome power of “up up down down left right left right B A start”. The Official Nintendo Player’s Guide was the bible to the religion of the NES, with detailed maps, tips, and codes to guide the most intrepid of video game adventurers.

 

It wasn’t long before gaming royalty emerged, the true power players. Everyone had friends that fell into this category — kids that could beat Ganon in under 2 hours or rescue princess toadstool without dying. In my junior high there was a kid named Dana that videotaped himself finishing dozens of different games. The resulting bootleg tape was more coveted and sought after than porn. The kid was a visionary. As recently as college, my roommates and I would gather on slow Friday nights to get drunk and watch our buddy Ben plow through Zelda and Contra with reckless abandon.

Now, with the advent of YouTube, it’s possible to relive that glory again and again. And so, as a tribute to a simpler time and the gaming wizards it spawned, I present this week’s YouTube Grab Bag: Video Game Badassery.

(Note: most of these videos are made using emulators and other “cheats” which, although less impressive, ultimately makes them all the more entertaining)

1) Contra

It’s appropriate that the list should start with Contra, one of the greatest action games ever. It was like a cross between Rambo and Alien with lots of lasers and front flips thrown in for good measure. Also notable for being accessible to the most hamfisted of pre-adolescents thanks to the previously mentioned “up up down down” code.

Here’s a video of a guy beating the living piss out of the game in a little under 10 minutes without dying once. I bet he got laid all the time back in sixth grade.

If you liked that one, check out the followup “pacifist version” where a dude accomplishes the same feat with a minimal loss of life. Dirty hippy.

2) Teanage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Jeezus. These guys really kicked some shell back in the day. I would love to meet the guy that came up with the concept of the Ninja Turtles. “They’re these giant mutated turtles, see? And they can do all sorts of badass ninja stuff. Also, they hang out with a giant rat and talk like lobotomized surfers.” Sold!

Such an earthshattering concept deserves a badass game and TMNT is no exception. I sucked something fierce at this game. I could never get past the part where you had to disarm all of the bombs at the dam. It’s especially humbling then to see this dude defuse the dam and every one of Shredder’s diabolical plots without breaking a sweat.

3) Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out

Another classic from the simpler days before Mike Tyson was a pigeon-loving rapist that bit ears and threatened to eat children. <sigh>

I spent hours trying to counter such dangerous threats as the bull charge, the super spin punch, and Mike’s thunderous knockout punches. In fact, it wasn’t until my senior year in college during Christmas break that I finally knocked the champ out. Something tells me this dude didn’t have to wait until he was a sorry 22-year-old to enjoy such glory. Watch as he mows through King Hippo and pals in under 20 minutes.

4) E.T.

This one isn’t an NES game, but is notable for being arguably the worst video game of all time. Watch as a timeless, beloved children’s movie is turned into an incomprehensible mess of shapeless blobs and pointless action. Legend has it that the game was such a disaster that Atari ultimately took countless unsold cartridges and buried them in the desert. Anyway, watch as some intrepid soul manages to finish the game before his eyes start bleeding.

5) Tecmo Super Bowl

Before there was Madden, there was Tecmo Super Bowl — as good an example as there ever was of how to turn 8 bits of computing power into great football. As anyone who played Tecmo Super Bowl can tell you, the star of the game was a certain Vincent Edward “Bo” Jackson. Now Bo is one of the most famous athletes of all time, having accomplished the rare feat of winning the heisman trophy in football, being an all-star in baseball, and being a freak of nature in general, but it’s possible that his greatest feats were those accomplished on the Tecmo gridiron, effortlessly running over and through opposing defenses. A terrific example of his digital prowess can be found below, as Bo runs roughshod over the Patriots for an entire quarter before prancing untouched into the endzone.

6) Metroid

I vividly remember getting this game for my 10th birthday — yet another classic game that I totally sucked at. Ridley and Kraid just owned me, hands down. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy it, hacking my around desperately longing for the screw attack and wave beam. I can honestly say, though, that I never came close to beating this one, which is why I find this next video very entertaining. Watch as this dude slices through planet Zebes like a buzzsaw through butter.

7) Altered Beast

Not an NES game, but truly memorable for a number of reasons. First, it was the first game for the 16-bit Genesis. Second, it employed some sort of technology from the future to put actual voices in the game – a rarity for time. Third, the dude saying “Rise from your grave” is one of the funniest things ever. He sounds like he has a harelip and bell’s palsy. I wonder if it’s the same guy from the beginning of Double Dribble.

Anyway, here’s a video of a dude finishing it in a little over six minutes. Unlike the other videos here, however, this one looks frighteningly easy. Also perhaps the only game from the 80’s that involved the hero morphing into a nasty version of the Snuggles bear.

Super Mario Bros.

For a lot of people, this was the first video game that they ever played. In retrospect, it’s kind of a weird premise: two stereotypical Italian plumbers eat a bunch of mushrooms and save some random princess from an evil giant turtle, stomping upon countless “goombas”, turtles, and anthropomorphic bullets along the way. Far out brother.

Here’s a video of a guy kicking the crap out of Bowser and pissing on his lifeless body (more or less) in just under 5 minutes:

Impressive, yes, but if you’re a purist that considers warp zones to be the devil’s trickery, then you may appreciate this run with no warps or shortcuts:

9) Super Street Fighter 2

I always found this game much more fun to watch than to actually play. Also, I was terrible at it. I’d usually resort to mashing the buttons as fast as I could before pouting and saying that I wanted to play something else.

Here’s a pretty good video of a dude conquering the planet earth with Zangief – the giant Russian dude with rad chest hair and dozens of scars from wrestling bears. He’s like the love child of Mr. T and Ivan Drago. It always makes me a little uncomfortable, though, when he beats the living hell out of Chun Li — especially when he tucks her head in his crotch and snaps her cute little spine with a suplex. Dirty commie.

10) The Legend of Zelda

Finally, the Coup de Grace – The Legend of Zelda. I definitely remember getting this game for my birthday and being blown away. First, the cartridge was gold. Pure (plastic) gold! Definitely the most complex, involved game of its time – lots to explore, lots of puzzles to solve, and lots of weapons.

This is another game that gave me a lot of trouble as a kid – probably because I hardly had the attention span to make it through an episode of Saved By the Bell, let alone a game as long and difficult as this. Still, I finally buckled down and defeated Ganon during my senior year of college – roughly 12 years after I got the game.

Apparently it took this next guy slightly less time than 12 years to finish the game. For me, this is the most impressive video — becuase it relies not on precise timing or clever tricks, but on flawless planning and execution. What results is 26 minutes of perfection. Ironically, nearly the same could be said about an episode of Saved By the Bell. Huh.

ZuBaBaBaBaaaaan!

We power on through to day three of kooky Japanese week here at Subject to Blackout with an oldie but goodie: the commercial for the popular Japanese video game “Chu Chu Rocket”.

Though I’ve never played the game, I think it’s pretty clear how it works: you’re a team of mice that gets eaten by a cat, conjures up a spaceship, blasts off through the top of the cat’s dome in a shower of bone shard, sick, and cat blood, parachutes down to earth, and locates another cat to repeat the gory circle of life. Points are awarded based on how awesome you are. Granted, this summary raises more questions than it answers, but that’s what happens when cultures collide as spectacularly as this.

Luckily, I located a translation of the theme music online:

Original
Chuu chuu roketto nezumi wo tasukero
Chuu chuu roketto neko wa kowai
Chuu chuu roketto roketto sugoi
Zubabababaaaan!

English Translation
Squeak squeak rocket, save the mice
Squeak squeak rocket, the cat is scary
Squeak squeak rocket, the rocket is so magnificent
Overwhelmingly!

Yup, that clears things right up. Best game ever.

Crazy Happy Exciting Fun Stone Face Game

As we continue on with what is suddenly shaping up to be “Kooky Japanese” week here at Subject To Blackout, I’m happy to bring another brain-tickling gem from the Far East.  If you’ve ever longed for the perfect fusion of a Japanese game show, Easter Island, and Bobby McFerrin, search no longer.

It’s a game called Nest of Moai and it kicks ass with a boot made of hallucinogenic wasabi. The object of the game is to hit a bunch of stone moais with your mouse as they pop up from behind hills, parachute out of the sky, and dance across the screen, all while being heckled by a verbally abusive Japanese man. It’s a little slice of awesome served up just for you. It takes all of 90 seconds to beat, but chances are you’ll be back for more once Emperor Awesome-san starts harshing on you. And did I mention that it’s backed by a buttery, jazzy soundtrack? Yeah. It is.