Check This Out: Tecmo Super Bowl 06-07

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. My mind has just been blown.

It seems that the internet, computer geekery, and old school NES nostalgia have just collided with spectacular results (again). It is now possible to download a custom version of Tecmo Super Bowl with the current NFL teams and rosters. The implications of this are so profound, I think my head is going to explode.

Okay, maybe I’m getting carried away, but one thing that I do know is that I’m one step closer to hosting my high concept Super Bowl party where the pre-game entertainment includes watching Tecmo Super Bowl simulate the upcoming matchup. Or at the very least playing TSB with my beloved Bears without having to use Mike Tomczak as my QB. Outstanding.

<>Gotta run for now — am playing this weekend’s Bears/Vikings matchup. The Beloved are up by 7 in the 1st, but Rex just tossed an INT. This is so fucking rad.

YouTube Grab Bag: Video Game Badassery

Several moments in the history of me stand out as being especially important and formative: that time that I shit my pants during music class in 2nd grade, the first time I blacked out from drinking, the day that I won the ball kick in my elementary school’s olympics, and, of course, the Christmas where I received my very own Nintendo Entertainment System.

These days, video games are so commonplace and entrenched in popular culture that we take them for granted, but back in the day, the NES and its 8 bits of raw power were king. Games such as Contra, Super Mario Brothers, and Tecmo Bowl were a staple of nearly every childhood and a topic of many playground conversations. Instead of sparking debated about video game violence and its effect on the moral fiber of society, we instead debated which weapons worked best on which Mega Man villains and the awesome power of “up up down down left right left right B A start”. The Official Nintendo Player’s Guide was the bible to the religion of the NES, with detailed maps, tips, and codes to guide the most intrepid of video game adventurers.

 

It wasn’t long before gaming royalty emerged, the true power players. Everyone had friends that fell into this category — kids that could beat Ganon in under 2 hours or rescue princess toadstool without dying. In my junior high there was a kid named Dana that videotaped himself finishing dozens of different games. The resulting bootleg tape was more coveted and sought after than porn. The kid was a visionary. As recently as college, my roommates and I would gather on slow Friday nights to get drunk and watch our buddy Ben plow through Zelda and Contra with reckless abandon.

Now, with the advent of YouTube, it’s possible to relive that glory again and again. And so, as a tribute to a simpler time and the gaming wizards it spawned, I present this week’s YouTube Grab Bag: Video Game Badassery.

(Note: most of these videos are made using emulators and other “cheats” which, although less impressive, ultimately makes them all the more entertaining)

1) Contra

It’s appropriate that the list should start with Contra, one of the greatest action games ever. It was like a cross between Rambo and Alien with lots of lasers and front flips thrown in for good measure. Also notable for being accessible to the most hamfisted of pre-adolescents thanks to the previously mentioned “up up down down” code.

Here’s a video of a guy beating the living piss out of the game in a little under 10 minutes without dying once. I bet he got laid all the time back in sixth grade.

If you liked that one, check out the followup “pacifist version” where a dude accomplishes the same feat with a minimal loss of life. Dirty hippy.

2) Teanage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Jeezus. These guys really kicked some shell back in the day. I would love to meet the guy that came up with the concept of the Ninja Turtles. “They’re these giant mutated turtles, see? And they can do all sorts of badass ninja stuff. Also, they hang out with a giant rat and talk like lobotomized surfers.” Sold!

Such an earthshattering concept deserves a badass game and TMNT is no exception. I sucked something fierce at this game. I could never get past the part where you had to disarm all of the bombs at the dam. It’s especially humbling then to see this dude defuse the dam and every one of Shredder’s diabolical plots without breaking a sweat.

3) Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out

Another classic from the simpler days before Mike Tyson was a pigeon-loving rapist that bit ears and threatened to eat children. <sigh>

I spent hours trying to counter such dangerous threats as the bull charge, the super spin punch, and Mike’s thunderous knockout punches. In fact, it wasn’t until my senior year in college during Christmas break that I finally knocked the champ out. Something tells me this dude didn’t have to wait until he was a sorry 22-year-old to enjoy such glory. Watch as he mows through King Hippo and pals in under 20 minutes.

4) E.T.

This one isn’t an NES game, but is notable for being arguably the worst video game of all time. Watch as a timeless, beloved children’s movie is turned into an incomprehensible mess of shapeless blobs and pointless action. Legend has it that the game was such a disaster that Atari ultimately took countless unsold cartridges and buried them in the desert. Anyway, watch as some intrepid soul manages to finish the game before his eyes start bleeding.

5) Tecmo Super Bowl

Before there was Madden, there was Tecmo Super Bowl — as good an example as there ever was of how to turn 8 bits of computing power into great football. As anyone who played Tecmo Super Bowl can tell you, the star of the game was a certain Vincent Edward “Bo” Jackson. Now Bo is one of the most famous athletes of all time, having accomplished the rare feat of winning the heisman trophy in football, being an all-star in baseball, and being a freak of nature in general, but it’s possible that his greatest feats were those accomplished on the Tecmo gridiron, effortlessly running over and through opposing defenses. A terrific example of his digital prowess can be found below, as Bo runs roughshod over the Patriots for an entire quarter before prancing untouched into the endzone.

6) Metroid

I vividly remember getting this game for my 10th birthday — yet another classic game that I totally sucked at. Ridley and Kraid just owned me, hands down. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy it, hacking my around desperately longing for the screw attack and wave beam. I can honestly say, though, that I never came close to beating this one, which is why I find this next video very entertaining. Watch as this dude slices through planet Zebes like a buzzsaw through butter.

7) Altered Beast

Not an NES game, but truly memorable for a number of reasons. First, it was the first game for the 16-bit Genesis. Second, it employed some sort of technology from the future to put actual voices in the game – a rarity for time. Third, the dude saying “Rise from your grave” is one of the funniest things ever. He sounds like he has a harelip and bell’s palsy. I wonder if it’s the same guy from the beginning of Double Dribble.

Anyway, here’s a video of a dude finishing it in a little over six minutes. Unlike the other videos here, however, this one looks frighteningly easy. Also perhaps the only game from the 80’s that involved the hero morphing into a nasty version of the Snuggles bear.

Super Mario Bros.

For a lot of people, this was the first video game that they ever played. In retrospect, it’s kind of a weird premise: two stereotypical Italian plumbers eat a bunch of mushrooms and save some random princess from an evil giant turtle, stomping upon countless “goombas”, turtles, and anthropomorphic bullets along the way. Far out brother.

Here’s a video of a guy kicking the crap out of Bowser and pissing on his lifeless body (more or less) in just under 5 minutes:

Impressive, yes, but if you’re a purist that considers warp zones to be the devil’s trickery, then you may appreciate this run with no warps or shortcuts:

9) Super Street Fighter 2

I always found this game much more fun to watch than to actually play. Also, I was terrible at it. I’d usually resort to mashing the buttons as fast as I could before pouting and saying that I wanted to play something else.

Here’s a pretty good video of a dude conquering the planet earth with Zangief – the giant Russian dude with rad chest hair and dozens of scars from wrestling bears. He’s like the love child of Mr. T and Ivan Drago. It always makes me a little uncomfortable, though, when he beats the living hell out of Chun Li — especially when he tucks her head in his crotch and snaps her cute little spine with a suplex. Dirty commie.

10) The Legend of Zelda

Finally, the Coup de Grace – The Legend of Zelda. I definitely remember getting this game for my birthday and being blown away. First, the cartridge was gold. Pure (plastic) gold! Definitely the most complex, involved game of its time – lots to explore, lots of puzzles to solve, and lots of weapons.

This is another game that gave me a lot of trouble as a kid – probably because I hardly had the attention span to make it through an episode of Saved By the Bell, let alone a game as long and difficult as this. Still, I finally buckled down and defeated Ganon during my senior year of college – roughly 12 years after I got the game.

Apparently it took this next guy slightly less time than 12 years to finish the game. For me, this is the most impressive video — becuase it relies not on precise timing or clever tricks, but on flawless planning and execution. What results is 26 minutes of perfection. Ironically, nearly the same could be said about an episode of Saved By the Bell. Huh.

Haim and Feldman to Reunite!

Yes, you read that right. In some of the best news that I’ve heard in awhile, Variety Magazine reported last week that the two former child actors turned drug addicts turned total disasters have inked a development deal to star in a “hybrid improv comedy” centering on “fictional versions of themselves.” I don’t exactly know what that means, but obviously I’m excited.

“The Coreys” picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim — single and the total opposite of Feldman — as he shakes life up for the Feldmans.

Honestly, this may be the least far-fetched premise that I can imagine. Corey Haim? Washed up and in need of a place to crash? How fictional and unbelievable! I can scarcely imagine the type of side-splitting “improv comedy” that could ensue. But I’ll try:

Episode 1:

Feldman and Haim go to the mall for an impromptu autograph signing session. No one at the mall cares or even knows who they are. Feldman cries. Both leave to score some coke and hookers instead. Feldman later finds Haim sitting up alone, watching Blown Away and weeping openly. The End.

Episode 2:

Feldman takes Haim out on the town to pick up chicks for him. Both do blowjob shots with one Cougar after the next. Haim finally lands a hot 45-year-old soccer mom in a jogging suit. As they are about to leave and find a hotel, Scott Baio appears out of nowhere and steals the MILF from Haim. Feldman cries and tries to console Haim by buying him a hooker and some coke, later finds him sitting up alone, watching Blown Away and weeping openly. The End.

Episode 3:

Haim scores a date with Heather Graham, but doesn’t have a car — or a license! Haim swipes his grandpa’s Mercedes and takes her out on the town. Rollergirl gets drunk and passes out, at which point Feldman joins the fun and hijinks ensue as the car sustains damage in one hilarious mishap after the next! Fox sues for copyright infringement. Feldman cries. Haim tries to console him by buying him a hooker and some coke. Haim later seen sitting up alone, watching Blown Away and weeping openly. The end.

And on and on…

Keep an eye on this one folks. It could change our lives.

The Least Cool Thing You’ll See Today

I was six years old when The Neverending Story came out. I thought it was a pretty rad movie, but always thought that the theme song was pretty weird and lame. Keep in mind, this was a time when I was really into things like Smurfs, swingsets, picking my nose, and pajamas with feet, but even then I was well aware of how incredibly uncool the song was.

Anyway, yesterday I discovered that there was a video for the song. It’s pretty much exactly how I would imagine it to be — the perfect visual companion to one of the most uncool songs of all-time. Was I surprised to see it sung by an effeminate, European dude with Flock of Seagulls hair and a patchy five o’clock shadow? A man that one viewer remarked “makes Elton John look like John Wayne”? Not at all. In fact, I expected it — was relieved to see it even.

A little research reveals that the dude is the great Limahl, former member of the group Kajagoogoo. Apparently, after his “rancorous exit” from the group in 1983, he struck out on his own, recording a series of commercial flops before “striking gold” with the theme song to The Neverending Story. It’s an inspiring story, and is perhaps best captured in the words of Limahl himself (from his website):

‘The Neverending Story’ is a fairly highly pitched song to sing so it took me quite a few attempts to warm up and really lock into the vibe……we had a break for food at about 6pm then after some wine started to record again and that’s when I really nailed it…….it must have been the red wine, hey hey. I flew home the next morning with a rough mix which I immediately took to my manager’s office (Billy Gaff). On hearing it he was ecstatic and started jumping around, “this is a f***in hit” he was yelling whilst running round the office, I was laughing my head off……deep down it was also a huge a relief to me that he liked it so much after all of his hard work behind the scenes setting it up.

Way to go big guy. Also not surprisingly, he’s big in Germany and still tours there. Maybe he opens for Hasselhoff.

The greatest actress of our generation

I came across a link today via GorillaMask for what is arguably the greatest IMDB page ever. Observe the filmography for Ms. Anne Sellors, a kindly British woman whose acting career was tragically limited to her work in the 1984 British Made-For-TV movie Threads about the effects of a full scale nuclear war on a small English community:

Just let that sink in for a second. That's right. Not only is there a woman out there whose only professional acting credit is anonymously micturating in the face of a nuclear explosion… she didn't even get credit for it! What's more, some kind soul took the time to correct this oversight and ensure that, via the magic of the IMDB, history will remember Anne as the poor woman who briefly lost bladder control on millions of British television screens some two decades ago.

Did you happen to be watching something else on September 23rd, 1984? Not to worry. YouTube is here to help.

God bless you internet, and God bless us all.