Haim and Feldman to Reunite!

Yes, you read that right. In some of the best news that I’ve heard in awhile, Variety Magazine reported last week that the two former child actors turned drug addicts turned total disasters have inked a development deal to star in a “hybrid improv comedy” centering on “fictional versions of themselves.” I don’t exactly know what that means, but obviously I’m excited.

“The Coreys” picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim — single and the total opposite of Feldman — as he shakes life up for the Feldmans.

Honestly, this may be the least far-fetched premise that I can imagine. Corey Haim? Washed up and in need of a place to crash? How fictional and unbelievable! I can scarcely imagine the type of side-splitting “improv comedy” that could ensue. But I’ll try:

Episode 1:

Feldman and Haim go to the mall for an impromptu autograph signing session. No one at the mall cares or even knows who they are. Feldman cries. Both leave to score some coke and hookers instead. Feldman later finds Haim sitting up alone, watching Blown Away and weeping openly. The End.

Episode 2:

Feldman takes Haim out on the town to pick up chicks for him. Both do blowjob shots with one Cougar after the next. Haim finally lands a hot 45-year-old soccer mom in a jogging suit. As they are about to leave and find a hotel, Scott Baio appears out of nowhere and steals the MILF from Haim. Feldman cries and tries to console Haim by buying him a hooker and some coke, later finds him sitting up alone, watching Blown Away and weeping openly. The End.

Episode 3:

Haim scores a date with Heather Graham, but doesn’t have a car — or a license! Haim swipes his grandpa’s Mercedes and takes her out on the town. Rollergirl gets drunk and passes out, at which point Feldman joins the fun and hijinks ensue as the car sustains damage in one hilarious mishap after the next! Fox sues for copyright infringement. Feldman cries. Haim tries to console him by buying him a hooker and some coke. Haim later seen sitting up alone, watching Blown Away and weeping openly. The end.

And on and on…

Keep an eye on this one folks. It could change our lives.

Gnarls Barkley is Rad

As of yesterday, I’ve become obsessed with Gnarls Barkley and their song “Crazy”. It happened by way of their performance during the MTV Movie Awards this past week. The boys of Gnarls, DJ Dangermouse and Cee-Lo, took to the stage with their band, dressed entirely as characters from Star Wars. The result was one of the most truly mesmerizing musical performances I’ve seen in awhile.

I don’t know what appeals to me more: the stormtroopers pounding out the buttery bass line, Boba Fett playing the ivories and packing a blaster at the same time, Red Five singing backup, or Chewbacca’s competent drumwork – look at his face around the 2:55 mark! Unbelievably catchy song. Unbelievable performance. Maybe there’s hope for MTV afterall…

YouTube Grab Bag: Celebrity Music Video Crossovers

It’s been a busy week here at STB, and we’ll wrap it up by kicking off a new feature: the YouTube Grab Bag. Today’s grab bag features one of the most interesting and repulsive trends in the music industry that reached its zenith in the late 80’s. I speak of course of vain movie stars crossing over and trying their luck as musicians. As luck would have it, many such examples exist for our admiration on YouTube. So without further ado I present…

 

The Top 11 Worst Celebrity Music Video Crossovers

(In pseudo-chronological order)

1. William Shatner

It would be impossible to talk about vain singing celebrities without mentioning Captain Kirk. In fact, bad celebrity music videos likely wouldn’t exist at all without the trailblazing work of the Shatman. Shatner began with an album of covers like “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” and “Mr. Tambourine Man” and never looked back. He really hit his stride in the mid-70’s, perfecting his own special, hilarious style of reciting lyrics against the backdrop of the actual melody, typically with a string of ridiculous facial gestures to really drive the point home. Observe this early appearance on The Dinah Shore Show:

William Shatner – “It Was a Very Good Year”

An inspired effort to be sure, but it wasn’t until the 1977 Sci Fi Awards that the Shatman really achieved musical immortality. It was there that he performed a version of Elton John’s “Rocket Man” that shook the very foundations of reality and no doubt reaved the souls of all in attendance. Words really fail to describe just how mindblowing this really is:

William Shatner – “Rocket Man”

 

 

2. Leonard Nimoy

Apparently hanging out with the Shatman on the deck of the starship Enterprise went a long way towards inflating Mr. Spock’s ego.  What you are about to see is one of the most baffling performances ever filmed.  The eyes truly don’t know where to fall.  The inexplicable “Leonard Nimoy for UN” buttons?  The go-go girls dancing like a fire sale at the retard store?  Spock’s use of a roll of masking tape for a visual aid as he sings about Bilbo’s magic ring?  The end result is something that you’ll wish you could “unsee”

Leonard Nimoy – “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”

3. Telly Savalas

Of course, the Shatman wasn’t the only actor making an ass of himself with a microphone in the mid-seventies. It wasn’t long before everyone’s favorite hard-drinking, gambling, bald Greek uncle threw his hat in the ring. Telly Savalas is all man, and I’ll fight anyone that disagrees with my bare knuckles, but clearly the stage was not for him. Check out his appearance on the German show MusikLaden:

Telly Savalas – “Some Broken Hearts Never Mend”

 

 

4. Don Johnson

After Shat and Telly’s work in the mid-seventies, it was awhile before another celebrity cocky enough to punish the eardrums of the American public came along. Not long after Miami Vice catapulted his career to its absolute apex, Don Johnson hit the recording studio, squatted, and squeezed out the steaming pile of mediocrity called “Heartbeat”:

Don Johnson – “Heartbeat”

Amazingly, “Heartbeat” spent some time on the billboard charts, likely thanks to Don’s inspired wardrobe and musky charisma. Due to his ill-deserved success, it wasn’t long before Crockett returned to the airwaves, this time slaying the ladies with a heartfelt ballad:

Don Johnson – “Tell It Like It Is”

 

 

5. Bruce Willis

Of course, Detective Sonny Crockett wasn’t the only velvet-throated action star running around in the late 80’s. Soon after the success of his show “Moonlighting”, Bruce Willis gave birth to Bruno — his gravelly-voiced, harp-blowing alterego. Amazingly, some took notice including Motown legends, The Temptations. Nice tux, Bruno:

Bruce Willis – “Under the Boardwalk”

Somewhere, an ad executive was listening and came to a startling conclusion: “Let’s get this Bruno guy on the horn and see if he can’t move some wine coolers!” You’re fired jackass. Not a true music video, I know, but still a brain-tickling relic from a much simpler time:

Bruce Willis – “Seagram’s Golden Wine Coolers”

 

 

6. Eddie Murphy

Thanks to the magic of Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories everyone knows about the long friendship between Eddie Murphy and Superfreak Rick James. Few people, however, realize that the two collaborated on a grating 80’s dance number. The video for it does not disappoint, as it depicts the studio session that ostensibly led to the song’s creation. Watch in awe as Eddie pours his heart into the mike, Rick feels a hit coming, and magic is made. So. Much. Bad. Hair.

Eddie Murphy ft. Rick James – “Party All the Time”

Just when you thought music couldn’t get any worse, Eddie returned to the studio and came up with what many consider to be the absolute nadir of the celebrity music video trend – literally one of the worst songs ever made. This time he took everyone’s favorite NAMBLA member Michael Jackson along for the vomit-inducing ride:

Eddie Murphy ft. Michael Jackson – “Whatzupwitu”

 

 

7. Alyssa Milano

Coming in at number six, we have the one female contribution to the list. Sometime in the late 80’s, this hot little snapper took a break from kickin’ it with Tony Micelli to hit the recording studio. What resulted was something that sounded like Debbie Gibson on barbiturates. Fortunately she searched the world high and low for some of the most ugly clothing available to distract the casual music video viewer from her voice.

Alyssa Milano – “Look In My Heart”

 

Apparently teal clothing, bad music, and power suits with shoulder pads were all the rage on MTV in those days, because Alyssa came back for more. Nice hat!

Alyssa Milano – “What a Feeling”

8. Patrick Swayze

Many people remember Patrick Swayze for his rugged good looks, his lustrous locks, his enormous head, and his ability to breathe life into a diverse mix of characters ranging from civil war hero Orry Main to philosophical bouncer James Dalton to thrill-seeking robber Bodhisattva. Most, however, overlook Patrick Swayze the crooner, the sweet-singing slayer of babes. In 1987, in conjunction with the release of Dirty Dancing, the Swayze-dog assembled a crack team of producers and technicians and cut the movie’s main ballad. The song and his huge noggin took the nation by storm, serving as the first dance at countless weddings and junior high dances. And then, like a rancid fart in the wind, the Swayze-dog and his dulcet tones were gone.

Patrick Swayze – “She’s Like the Wind”

 

9. John Stamos

Not content to let Patrick Swayze be the only guy with bad hair and a huge head to record a hit, pretty boy John Stamos took a break from changing the Olsen twins’ diapers and badgering Kimmy Gibler to try his luck at the rock star thing. Now, I understand that his character on Full House was supposed to be a rocker or something, but that’s no reason for him to think that he could be too. Of course, I suppose anything can happen when you spend every one of your working days with douchebags like Dave Coulier and Bob Saget. Anyway, Uncle Jesse teamed up with the Beach Boys, but not even they could keep his ballad “Forever” from being pure nightmare fuel.

John Stamos ft. the Beach Boys – “Forever”

 

 

10. Steven Seagal

I guess that if you can convince yourself that you’re the reincarnation of a long dead Buddhist monk, anything is possible. That’s why it’s really not surprising at all to see once-proud spine-puncher Steven Seagal on this list. I had no idea, but apparently Casey Rybeck is an accomplished musician and has released several albums as “Steven Seagal & Thunderbox” with such mystical names as “Mojo Priest” and “Songs from the Crystal Cave.” Hey! Look at me! I’m enlightened!

Steven Seagal – “Girl it’s Alright”

 

11. David Hasselhoff

Finally, no list of celebrity singers would be complete without the man, the myth, the legend… the Hoff. Never has one person done so much for stupid e-mail forwards and ironic fan sites. Having burst onto the scene fighting for the cause of the innocent, the helpless, and the powerless as amnesiac hero Michael Knight, David Hasselhoff somehow became bigger than lederhosen in Germany, recording a series of hit albums. For anyone who’s spent any time on the internet, this next video should look familiar, but it still remains a classic.

David Hasselhoff – “Hooked on a Feeling”

It’s true, no one carries a tune quite like the Hoff. That hair. Those moves. That icey stare. Thankfully, this wouldn’t be the last we saw of the Hoff, as a new video surfaced just this past week of him doing another tired, poorly choreographed cover.

David Hasselhoff – “Secret Agent Man”

Steven Seagal is a Fat, Fleshy Man

It came to my attention today that Steven Seagal has just been tapped to reprise the role of the pony-tailed, clad in black, throat-punching cook Casey Ryback in a third installment of the popular Under Seige series. The film is, cleverly enough, titled Under Seige 3: Plane Danger and no doubt promises to be as enjoyable as a sock full of feces. According to IMDB, in the movie Casey Ryback is sent on a mission to take out muslim terrorists who have taken over a flight from Israel to USA. Sounds original — and not the least bit potentially offensive.

Don't get me wrong — there was a time not so long ago when I would have been fired up to see a new Seagal flick. Here's a guy that was the epitome of ass-kicking cool a little over a decade ago, able to deliver menacing lines in whisper like "Nobody beats me in the kitchen" and make it sound badass. He would dispatch entire batallions of baddies without breaking a sweat or his trademark cold stare, employing unusual weapons with startling effectiveness (a pool ball in a tube sock!). And when he wasn't kicking villains in the spine, he was creating some of the most unintentionally hysterical movie titles and character names in history. Observe:

Hard to Kill (1990) …. Mason Storm

Out for Justice (1991) …. Gino Felino

Half Past Dead (2002) …. Sasha Petrosevitch

Out for a Kill (2003) …. Professor Burns

Black Dawn (2005) …. Jonathan Cold

The Untitled Onion Movie (2006) …. Cock Puncher (No joke)

Somewhere in the late 90's, however, Mr. Seagal quietly passed out of relevance and into the realm of ridicule. He went from headlining box office blockbusters to supporting characters in straight to video steamers. Have you ever seen "Mercenary For Justice"? Didn't think so.

How caused this to happen? Was it his character's sudden, unexpected death in 1996's "Executive Decision"? His 1997 recognition as the reincarnation of the Treasure Revealer Chungdrag Dorje of the Palyul Monastery? The electrified urine-like taste of his energy drink? His descent into the innermost circle of celebrity music video hell, joining the likes of Don Johnson, Eddie Murphy, and Bruce Willis? The heavy use of makeup and trick photography to make him look young and not fat in a stupid Sprite ad? Or perhaps the fact that he put on roughly 200 pounds on a diet consisting solely of puppies and homeless people?

I honestly have no idea. I do know that I won't be first in line for "Plane Danger". I'll wait until he stars as Thick Slamchest in "Mocked for Justice". And wait until it's out on basic cable. Eat shit Chungdrag!

Raising Your Very Own Ninja

On Thursday, I ate lunch at the mall with some coworkers and there was a TV showing the national spelling bee. We got talking about it and the great movie Spellbound. In the movie, one of the kids is seen being drilled by his parents with something like 5000 practice words daily. It's a pretty freaky thing and it raises the question: What kind of parent raises a kid like that? The answer: A crazy one.

Of course, such aggressive parenting isn't confined to the spelling bee. The image of a controlling parent pushing their kid to the point of misery is a common one in little leagues, soccer games, piano recitals, and a myriad of other activities. Sure, it's cool to have a kid that kicks ass at things so that you can brag about them and shit, but if you're going to push them hard enough to cause long-term psychological harm, at least do it for something really rad.

My suggestion? Ninjitsu.

Think about it: not only do you get a cute talented kid that you can brag about to your buddies, but you get a DEADLY WEAPON as well. You would feel all proud like you would if your kid gave you a great finger painting, but the difference is at the end of the day you can also count on that finger painting to KICK SOME ASS if push comes to shove.

Think about this: it's easy to imagine a kid whining and putting up a fit because they don't want to go to piano lessons, but I don't think any kid could honestly say "Dad, I don't want to go to ninja lessons today." Duh. Like anyone would want to miss learning how to throw a ninja star or wield nunchuks.

Think about the water cooler conversations you could have. Some jackass could be going on and on about how his little girl learned how to play "Hot Cross Buns" on her violin and you could be all like "Oh yeah? Well my little Bobby killed a raccoon with his MIND!"

If you're still not convinced, consider the great bumper stickers you could make:

Or perhaps:

I'm going to be the best dad ever.