Spring is a great time for sex
According to an article in this morning's edition of The Dartmouth, the current students are having a lot more great, loud sex than me. Honestly, I couldn't be happier, especially with such great quotes as "This is not as a self call; it's just a testament to how lame Wheelock kids are" and such journalistic gems as "It's not clear whether sexual activity in East Wheelock has increased from previous years." Somebody get me Pulitzer on the horn.
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Serenity of East Wheelock ruptured by late-night trysts
By Steven Orbuch, The Dartmouth Senior Staff
Published on Thursday, April 27, 2006Spring has sprung and love is in the air.
But be mindful should you chose to consummate your love in the East Wheelock, according to cluster Community Director Michael Lord.
Lord sent out a cluster-wide BlitzMail message Monday reminding students of the cluster's notoriously thin walls and urging students to more closely regulate noises coming from their room. His reminder was spurred by an alarmist Blitz from a concerned student in regard to hearing loud sex noises in his hallway.
Lord said he thought that forwarding the Blitz was a humorous way to approach the issue.
"I sent this out more in the spirit of, 'Hey this is kind of amusing but we should be aware of noise issues in general,'" Lord said.
In the forwarded Blitz, the anonymous student suggested that some East Wheelock students "do not realize that their sexual activity can be heard in great detail through the walls" and recommended that sexual activities "should probably be indulged in during reasonable hours of the day, if at all, within the confines of [East Wheelock] walls."
Additionally, the student claimed that the issue was a cluster-wide epidemic.
It is "not just a problem on my floor or in my building," the student wrote "because I have a friend on a floor in another East Wheelock building who was telling a humorous story related to similar incidents happening nightly."
The student also suggested that if Russell Sage or the Fayerweathers were options, East Wheelock students should engage in sexual activities there because those buildings have thicker, concrete walls.
South Fayerweather Undergraduate Adviser W. Lane Verlenden '06 said that he was surprised to hear that an East Wheelock cluster representative had forwarded a Blitz instructing a cadre of over 300 residents to fornicate in the Fayerweather cluster. Verlenden agreed, however, that sex noises do not present problems among his residents to the degree they do in Wheelock because of the dorm's acoustics.
It's not clear whether sexual activity in East Wheelock has increased from previous years.
"I have not heard any of these sounds myself," Lord said, "and I've only gotten one e-mail about [sex noise issues] in the five years I've been here."
However, Lord said that judging from responses — Lord received two thank-you messages — it was clear that the Blitz's message struck a chord with many residents.
One male junior, who wished to remain anonymous due to the subject matter, claims that his sexual activities may have prompted the concerned Blitz, and indicated that the complaint and subsequent community reminder reinforced a negative stereotype of the cluster.
"[The situation occurred] because of me and my girlfriend — our bed is creaky," he said. "This is not as a self call; it's just a testament to how lame Wheelock kids are."
However, at least some students within the cluster are using humor to actively combat the negative image referenced by the aforementioned student.
Yesterday a group named the "The Loud Sex Society" — whose members have yet to be identified — hung signs in common areas throughout the cluster that mocked the content within Lord's letter.
The sign's title read in bold letters "East Wheelock Loud Sex Night: Spring 2006." The sign also included slogans such as, "Doing our part and letting you know exactly how good it feels … how jealous are you right now?," "Go loud or go home" and "Bring your A-Game, show your O-Face."
On the whole, Lord said that issues of noises related to sexual activities permeating throughout student dormitories "is a reality of college life at this point."
Lord suggested that the simplest way to alert students making these disruptive noises is to bang on the walls to get their attention.
The greatest actress of our generation
I came across a link today via GorillaMask for what is arguably the greatest IMDB page ever. Observe the filmography for Ms. Anne Sellors, a kindly British woman whose acting career was tragically limited to her work in the 1984 British Made-For-TV movie Threads about the effects of a full scale nuclear war on a small English community:
Just let that sink in for a second. That's right. Not only is there a woman out there whose only professional acting credit is anonymously micturating in the face of a nuclear explosion… she didn't even get credit for it! What's more, some kind soul took the time to correct this oversight and ensure that, via the magic of the IMDB, history will remember Anne as the poor woman who briefly lost bladder control on millions of British television screens some two decades ago.
Did you happen to be watching something else on September 23rd, 1984? Not to worry. YouTube is here to help.
God bless you internet, and God bless us all.
The Legend of Kikkoman!
Kooky Japanese week continues with another classic contribution from the Land of the Rising Sun. This originally made the rounds roughly three years ago, but is worth another look, if only because Kikkoman’s message resonates as clearly today as it ever has. Actually, I have no idea what that means.
I should probably package this with a warning that this video *may* short-circuit every neuron in your fragile little dome. Of particular concern would be the scene where Kikkoman scolds the indecisive, egg-eating cat to the point that he takes his own life or when he inexplicably beds down with a clearly underaged female counterpart.
Obviously, this video leaves me with many questions. For a so-called “hero”, Kikkoman seems to be a pretty unforgiving man-fish. Why does he hold such a grudge against Worcestershire Sauce Man, Ketchup Man, and Mayonnaise Man? Sure, they all have a place in the condiments cabinet, but I’ve never had an occasion where I’ve struggled to choose one of them over soy sauce.
And why is Mayonnaise Man such a quivering wreck? All of the other anthropomorphic condiments are buff and gifted fighters. Worcestershire Sauce Man even has a chest laser! Get ye to the gym, Mayonnaise Man!
If you’d like to investigate further, there’s also a version with English subtitles.
ZuBaBaBaBaaaaan!
We power on through to day three of kooky Japanese week here at Subject to Blackout with an oldie but goodie: the commercial for the popular Japanese video game “Chu Chu Rocket”.
Though I’ve never played the game, I think it’s pretty clear how it works: you’re a team of mice that gets eaten by a cat, conjures up a spaceship, blasts off through the top of the cat’s dome in a shower of bone shard, sick, and cat blood, parachutes down to earth, and locates another cat to repeat the gory circle of life. Points are awarded based on how awesome you are. Granted, this summary raises more questions than it answers, but that’s what happens when cultures collide as spectacularly as this.
Luckily, I located a translation of the theme music online:
Original
Chuu chuu roketto nezumi wo tasukero
Chuu chuu roketto neko wa kowai
Chuu chuu roketto roketto sugoi
Zubabababaaaan!
English Translation
Squeak squeak rocket, save the mice
Squeak squeak rocket, the cat is scary
Squeak squeak rocket, the rocket is so magnificent
Overwhelmingly!
Yup, that clears things right up. Best game ever.
Crazy Happy Exciting Fun Stone Face Game
As we continue on with what is suddenly shaping up to be “Kooky Japanese” week here at Subject To Blackout, I’m happy to bring another brain-tickling gem from the Far East. If you’ve ever longed for the perfect fusion of a Japanese game show, Easter Island, and Bobby McFerrin, search no longer.
It’s a game called Nest of Moai and it kicks ass with a boot made of hallucinogenic wasabi. The object of the game is to hit a bunch of stone moais with your mouse as they pop up from behind hills, parachute out of the sky, and dance across the screen, all while being heckled by a verbally abusive Japanese man. It’s a little slice of awesome served up just for you. It takes all of 90 seconds to beat, but chances are you’ll be back for more once Emperor Awesome-san starts harshing on you. And did I mention that it’s backed by a buttery, jazzy soundtrack? Yeah. It is.
