My new movie collection

Over the past 8 months, I’ve mastered the craft of being unemployed. It’s not as easy as you think. With a profound amount of free time to fill and an attention span shorter than a Ramones song, it can become very difficult to remain entertained and productive. I’m sure that Donger can back me up on this one. Fortunately for you, I’ve spent months researching the subject and am ready to pass my wisdom onto you.

Today’s unemployment self-help gem is this:
Set goals for yourself and stick to them.

This may sound like a no-brainer, but I can’t stress its importance enough. For example, 2 weeks ago I set the following goals for myself:

1. Change my sheets
2. Get a haircut
3. Invent a new sandwich
4. Begin my long contemplated “Kickass 80’s skateboarding, skiing, and BMX movies” DVD collection.

Let’s focus on that last one for a bit.

For several years now, it’s been my dream to compile a collection of movies that genuinely capture that fleeting period in the 80’s when fashion’s brief love affair with flourescent colors collided spectacularly with the dawn of extreme sports. When friends would come to visit, they would gasp in awe at all of the wonderful titles together under one ass-kicking roof. And if they didn’t gasp in awe, then they probably weren’t worth having as friends. It’s a pretty good litmus test that way.

ANYWAY, about two weeks ago, I woke up on a Saturday morning in one of those blissful states where you’re not quite drunk, not quite sober yet, but capable of coming up with ideas that aren’t necessarily great, but seem like they are. It was in this state, that I logged onto Amazon.com and deftly navigated to the purchase page for “Thrashin’”. For those of you troglodytes who may have missed out on this timeless classic, here’s the synopsis from the box:

“Valley teen Corey Webster (Josh Brolin) just wants to ride his skateboard in peace. But when his hot romance with a beautiful blonde puts him on the skids with her brother and his vicious skate-punk gang, the bitter rivalry can only be settled one way: a brutal, winner-take-all downhill competition requiring guts, skill, and nerves of steel! A high-velocity romance featuring cameos from skateboarding legend Tony Hawk, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the Circle Jerks, Thrashin’ will keep you on the edge of your seat!”

This tells us several things. First, we know where Shakespeare stole that Romeo and Juliet story from. Second, there once was a time when the Circle Jerks were as musically relevant as the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Third, I will probably never be as cool as Corey Webster, but at least I can try. Did I mention that there’s a picture of Josh Brolin wearing a frayed, sleeveless jean jacket and tearing it up on his “Nash” skateboard? Fuck yeah there is.

If you want to open a new window and buy your own copy right now, that’s cool. I’ll wait.

Now’s the part where I marvel at the geniuses behind Amazon.com. After I gleefully added the aforementioned Josh Brolin vehicle to my shopping cart, I was reading up on the movie in a futile attempt to satisfy my visceral need for a brutal, winner-take-all downhill competition. That’s when I noticed that people who purchased “Thrashin”‘ also purchased “BMX Bandits”.

What’s “BMX Bandits” you might say? After finishing laughing and looking down on you, I might tell you that “BMX Bandits” is the roller-coaster ride of a story about two BMX expert bikers (PJ and Goose) and a friend of theirs (Judy) who become entangled with a group of bank robbers after discovering a carton of walkie-talkies. Oh yeah – and it kicks fucking ass.

If you didn’t know what “BMX Bandits” was, chances are you weren’t lucky enough to have experienced it as a wide-eyed 7-year-old, like I did. That was back in the days shortly after I had graduated from a red beater with a banana seat to a kick-ass Predator BMX bike with blue fucking wheels. My buddy Jesse (who we all called “Beefer”) had a VHS copy of “BMX Bandits” that we used to watch, like, everyday after school. We’d usually fast-forward through the first half of the movie where they introduce the plot and go right to the part where the three bikers are being chased by the bank robbers.

The director (the inimitable Mr. Brian Trenchard-Smith) was clearly aware of his audience, because he made the chase last for roughly half of the movie. The robbers have guns and cars, but they don’t have half the pluck of the three mag-wheeled youngsters, who lead them all over the place from a gravel pit, to a water park, to the climax in a construction sight where they all get covered in foam. Foam!

Your next question is probably “does the movie end with a mind-blowing BMX race montage where PJ, Goose, and Judy fucking lay waste to the other kids with some kick-ass 80’s Australian synth-rock that rhymes “kangaroo hop” with “table top” chugging in the background?” You’re goddamn right it does.

I bet you didn’t know that Nicole Kidman can tear it up on a BMX bike, did you? Fuck yeah she can!

After getting all banged-up on Cherry Coke and watching the closing BMX race, Beefer and I would go out in his neighborhood and ride around on our bikes, praying that someday we would be lucky enough to come across a crate of contraband Walkie Talkies. As it was, the set of Fisher Price Walkie Talkies that I got for my birthday would have to do.

So anyway, I frantically follow the Amazon link and add “BMX Bandits” to my shopping cart. That’s when I nearly have an aneurysm. You see, it turns out that the spunky red-headed “Bandit” Judy is none other than Nicole Kidman in her very first movie role at the tender age of 15. Not only that, she even does some of her own stunts! It’s almost enough to make up for the fact that she used to be married to that douchebag Jerry Maguire!

The movies arrived earlier this week and let’s just say it was a very rad Tuesday. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make a sandwich and compare prices for “Gleaming the Cube”.