My Big Rad Entourage

Last Wednesday night I was out at a bar with some friends watching the Sox game. We got chatting with our waitress and she informed us that just a few days prior, Michael Jordan and his entourage had come by and hung out for awhile. MJ cooly held court in the corner while the other patrons frantically dialed their friends and told them to come by to hang with his Airness. Of course, once the crowd began swelling beyond his liking, he rolled out on his custom bike with a few bodyguards around. The excited waitress kept on mentioning “his entourage” when recounting the story and by the time she finished, had us pondering a few questions. Among them:

1) How do you put together an “entourage”?
2) When MJ pulled away on his bike with his bodyguards, were they also on bikes? And, if so, did they fall into some sort of cool formation?
3) If I had an entourage, who would I put in it?

Since then, I’ve had a lot of time to ponder the third question, as I lack the resources to fully explore the first two. After several revisions, I’ve come up with the list below. Before you read it, though, please understand the following guidelines that I shrewdly laid down to govern the process:

1) Entourages can have up to 8 people
2) Entourage members can be either real, clearly defined people (i.e. Tiffany Amber-Thiessen) or loosely defined profiles (i.e. A double-jointed, triple-nippled guy who can open beer bottles with his eye sockets)
3) Money and reality are not obstacles (i.e. if you want to hang with Woodrow Wilson and/or Judge Smails, you got ‘em)

Without further ado, I proudly present my ideal entourage, coming soon to a trendy hangout near you:

1. Andre the Giant — He was the first that came to my mind – a real no-brainer. The guy’s over 7 feet tall and, like, 450 pounds, so you can always count on him to get your back. Plus, as he demonstrated so smoothly in “Princess Bride”, he’s a multi-talented thespian as well. Finally, he apparently was well-known for some heroic drinking exploits. Towards the end of his life, he used to drink over 100 beers a day and was known to do more than 50 shots in one sitting and then drive home. Just think of how he could entertain you in a bar setting. Also, I’d make sure that he always had thousands of dirty jokes memorized to recall in his deep, dopey voice.

2. A Ninja — Actually, he’d never actually be *in* the entourage, he’d just always be nearby somewhere, cleverly hidden in our surroundings. He’d report in a couple of times a day, though, to give me a full report and take orders. I’d be like “Ninja, find Ashlee Simpson and tattoo a boner on her forehead” and then later that night, Ashlee would be on TV with a boner on her forehead, but have NO RECOLLECTION of how it got there. In fact, she wouldn’t even know it was there until someone pointed it out to her! Go Ninja!

3. Mary Poppins — I don’t think that this one needs much of an explanation. Her contagiously upbeat demeanor, helpful life lessons, magical gifts, and ability to come up with catchy tunes about banal, everyday tasks like “tidying up the nursery” would go a long way towards making my day a rosy one. Also, it would be a fun game to goad Mary into using her powers for morally questionable things — like jumping into a sidewalk sketch of an orgy or getting free cable.

4. MacGyver — Another no-brainer. Handy to have in any situation. Who couldn’t use a guy that can make a HAM radio out of some pork rinds and a little league chest protector? I’d be like “MacGyver, we’re going to Fiji and we need a spaceship to take us there”. He’d go running off, rummage around in a couple dumpsters and have us up and flying in under an hour. And we’d exchange hair tips.

5. Jesus — Not because he’d be a really interesting person to talk with (though I’m sure he would be) or some other reason that a few billion less-imaginative, but god-fearing people would give, but because it would be fun to take him places and have him sigh and shake his head disapprovingly at people to make them feel guilty and totally uncomfortable. Think about it — you’re some jerk out with your friends making a lot of noise and generally being obnoxious. Then I come in with my entourage and Jesus walks up, looks at you, sighs loudly, and shakes his head. You’d stop bothering Drew and his entourage in a hurry, right? Helluva lot more effective than a bouncer.

6. Beck — Is there a more bizarre, interesting, talented person out there right now? I contribute a lot of his inclusion to the fact that I actually ran into him at a ballet (don’t ask) a couple of years ago and he looked EXACTLY like I’d always imaginee — about 5′3″, 120, and dressed like an orphan out of a Horatio Alger story. I think that he’d be great to have around just to marvel at his weirdness. Plus, he could always pick up a guitar and do his thing. We’d just keep him chock full of drugs and turn him loose. What fun!

7. A random Amish or Mennonite guy/girl — I have to admit that this one is partially inspired by Kingpin. I just think that it would be fun to always have a naive, totally innocent person around and corrupt them horribly. I’m not talking about anything especially mean-spirited or evil — it would just be fun to be there for all of their “firsts” and be sort of a big brother figure. What happens when you feed Amish guy his first 40? Or put porn on for him for the first time? As a wise, mildly inarticulate man once said, “You can only do things for the first time once, but with enough Amish folks around, you can have that same fun every day”. Or something.

8. A wise, old midget — Basically, a 36-inch tall Lao Tzu. He’d be a man of few words, but everything he said would be utterly profound and incredibly thought-provoking. He’d have a beard as long as he is tall, carry a gnarled wooden staff, and dress in flowing robes. He might slow us down a bit, because he’d walk everywhere in a slow, dignified manner. Better yet, he’d ride on Andre’s shoulders. Everything he said would be in the form of short, Taoist phrases. If we got bored, like when we’re waiting for the bus or something, we’d just sit there and soak up his wisdom. Also, he has deadly aim when he flings pennies.

If anyone would like to discuss this further, please contact me. Who would you put in your entourage?